Wednesday, October 27, 2010
It's that time a year again people, Halloween! A time when parents encourage their little boys to dress like girls and their little girls to dress like whores.
I'll never forget how we used to walk 10 miles to the rich neighborhood just to get the best candy...extra large snicker bars, pumpkin shaped chocolate boxes, MONEY. Ya those were good times. Of course my mom always had to "check" the candy for razor blades and poison which pissed me off. I knew you were just trying to get to my candy mom. I never understood that. Ok so you can die of poisoned Halloween candy, and I have to sit here watch you die AND eat my candy....it just doesn't seem right. And what was with that one piece of candy a day rule? If I wanted to spend my post Halloween day regurgitating Kermit the frog shaped lolly pops, well that was my prerogative...I earned that candy fair and square!
Then there was middle school. The awkward stage. 7th grade I went as a baby with a big butt (see picture). We were trick-or-treating and I saw a guy I liked walking with another group so I run over to talk to them. The next thing I know I've lost my group. Well of course I go looking for them and they are no where to be found and I'm lost in a neighborhood I don't know with a big butt. Finally I found my way back to their parents house only to discover they had informed the police and gone door to door trying to find a baby with a big butt. My hormones were already getting the best of me back then.
High school, oh this is when it got good and fun, especially when we got our licenses. We would drive around and flash our lights on trick-or-treaters and then all hop out of the car and shaving cream them. God...I was mean. Let's see my best Halloween outfit in high school had to be when I went as an Asian (Kim Shepard). "I Kim. I work nail salon. You want toes done? Yes Yes you want toes done. Sit Sit I do you."
Then college...oh that's when they teach you that no, you can't go as the frumpy over sized clown anymore, you must cut up the entire outfit, semi tie it over your boobs and ass and throw on a good pair of stripper heels. We went as football players (booty shorts and a tied up jersey), cave women (leopard fabric tied around our private parts) and of course I have definitly had my fair share of going as a prostitute. Yes, that's right, a straight up prostitute. I have a character to go along with it and everything
Me: (said in a slur) "50 bucks. I'd give ya a discount but I got mouths to feed....you don't know me..."
Halloween has seen some good times, but maybe it's time to grow up. Maybe it's time to wait by the door and actually hand our candy to those precious little children....wait what? FUCK THE CHILDREN! I hate beggars! You want me to give you candy for FREE! What do you think this is? A freaking soup kitchen.
This year I plan to stick with my drunken debauchery antics. Now all I have to decide is to go as Snookie or Kesha? What are your plans?